A new short story by Laura Bernardeschi Nelson
One does so enjoy being a muse. Usually, an artist inspires poets or collectors, but it seems I’ve inspired a much more dedicated breed of admirer: The Bureaucratic Stalker. I’ve been glancing at my analytics lately, and I must say, the devotion is touching. To my fans logging in from the leafy suburbs of the South West of our continent and my tech-savvy friends in the Far East: hello. I hope the coffee is strong and the air conditioning is crisp, because you’ve certainly been putting in the overtime on my website today.
The Deep-Dive into the Mundane
Most people visit an artist’s website to see the latest masterpiece. Not my special friends. No, they are digital archaeologists. They aren’t satisfied with the homepage. They ignore the “Contact” tab. They have a singular, burning passion for Page 13.
And oh, I see someone just discovered Page 17.
Page 17, darlings. Do you know what’s on Page 17 of my archives from years ago? I certainly didn’t, until I saw you lot camping out there. It’s a bit like watching someone break into your house not to steal the silver, but to spend six hours meticulously cataloguing the contents of your junk drawer. Is it a thrill? Does your heart race when you find a blog post about a community mural from 2025? Do you whisper to your monitor, “Aha! She used cerulean blue on a Tuesday. This is the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for! ”?
A Global Effort for a Local Obsession
There is something uniquely British about this level of pettiness, yet it’s heartening to see it has become an international collaboration. To have someone in the Far East scouring my “North East” tags at 3:00 AM is truly the peak of globalisation.
I imagine the briefing meeting in some grey, windowless office: “Right, we’ve got nothing better to do, so let’s send a task force to her WordPress site.” If we scroll back far enough, maybe we’ll find a photo of a cat that proves… something.”
It’s a bold strategy. Let’s see if it pays off.
(Spoiler: it doesn’t.)
A Curated Message for the “Observers”
To the brave souls currently squinting at my metadata: I see you. I notice patterns, locations, and a certain… enthusiasm. While you are busy trying to find “evidence” in my brushstrokes, I am busy being an artist. While you are trying to trap a soul in a spreadsheet, I am living a life that clearly warrants a rather thorough investigation.
If you’re looking for a scandal, you’re in the wrong place. But if you’re looking for a mirror, keep scrolling. By the time you hit Page 25, you might realise that the person you’re trying to “catch” is far more interesting than the person you’ve become while sitting in that swivel chair.
Pro-tip: if you’re going to spy on an artist, at least have the decency to buy a print. It would certainly be a more productive use of the budget than this digital safari.
Stay curious, my little grey-suited explorers. I’ll keep painting, and you keep clicking. I’m thinking of a new piece for Page 1. I’ll call it “The Futility of the Rat”. I think you’ll find the likeness… uncanny.
Thanks for reading.
If the archives weren’t enough, the books of this author are on Amazon.